Searching

Look at that cute and somewhat innocent looking little girl on the right. Scrunched up nose. Flawless blonde hair. Perfectly content with the world she is in. Overly content with who she is....was. What happened to that? One moment you're six years old and then, SMACK! You are twenty struggling to find your identity. Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. I always thought I would stay little not having to worry about my future and not having an overwhelming desire go places...further than the toy store. 

Yet here I am. Back under one roof of many where it began with Mama Bear, Papa Bear, Tweedle Dumb, and Tweetle Dumber (it was the only clever way of describing my brothers....without being uhm, mean). The difference is I am an adult now. Trying so very hard to find myself stuck with small town blues all while having a painfully overwhelming desire to discover the world. Quite honestly, I feel as if the only thing that my mind is fully content thinking about is my venture to Australia and what's to come after it. 

During college, I fully had my mind set on being a great ECE that all parents rave about and recommend to their friends and yet after 2 years of college and full on job competitions with at least 1000 other graduates in my area (if not more), those ideas greatly dissipated. I found myself moneyless, jobless and ultimately rentless thus travelling back to where I just did not want to go back to. Frankly I had no interest in reconnecting with high school friends (aside from one) and really was only seeing the absolute worst. 

I saw myself taking on my lovely factory job (the last place I ever saw myself being), one of which I never saw myself excelling at and trying to keep up with journalling and updating those of you who do actually read this blog. I am still stuck. I am still feeling overwhelmed with emotion. But I look at my bank account every week and know that in due time, that money is going to be paying probably for my future. 

I actually took a minute the other day, laid in my bed and just prayed. I prayed for everything to work out. That I would be able to stay at my job in September and that somehow, some way things will happen right. It felt good. The feeling of just getting it all off your chest is one of those things that you just can't quite explain, like a good feeling of sorts. 

There was a point I was trying to get to, like whether I have found my identity through trial and error or if I am just forever a mess. Instead the conclusion that I have come to through putting all my thoughts out there is I will never completely find my identity I will just be forever improving it. Today I am a factory worker. I work 12 hour shifts and spend more time with my co-workers than I do with my family. I either work all night or sleep all night. My money sits in my bank account barely being touched. I wear jeans to work with rips where there shouldn't be rips and feel more tired than any normal person would. But I do it with a smile.

Tomorrow I am a discoverer. I travel to my heart's desire and my money comes with me. I move mountains and dive in oceans. I have thousands of pictures of all the places I have been and a list of the places I want to go. Tomorrow I am just as me as I am today but improved and glowing.

What are you tomorrow?